I am leaving my the vicinity (I usually stay within walking distance.)
I am leaving NYC (I hope it is still there when I get back.)
I will have to travel (it seems that all of my trips are punctured with nudity, drunken tom-foolery and injurous situations.)
I am going to California (are New Yorkers allowed to do that?)
I bought an Ipod (it has seldom been dropped on floor or toilet.)
HOT SEXY ZOMBIES!
Thank you Fuzzy Squid.

Posted 4:09 AM by J.Ro           

Still Roasting's Greatest Night EVER
I went to a party for 'Sup Magazine last night. TV On The Radio played.
She stumbled to the stage just after the first song started. She stood in front of the singer, holding her hand up as if to say "Hi," in a personal joke type of way. She soon went on to the guitar player, she didn't so much walk in front as stomped. She led her small "Jewish Friend," around. He seemed ignorant of her intentions. Between songs she requested something, pleading about "...just two minutes..." "You suck, and everybody is just pretending they like you. Let's open it up with some poetry."
(Here, I must insert my disdain for poetry, in fact, the word alone makes me shudder.)
She was edged away from the band, where she seated herself in a corner, staring at the ceiling. Universal Donor, heroically led her outside for some air, rescuing her from the now angry mob of oddly dressed hipsters.
Outside, she incoherently babbled about union leaders in nursing. Accusing her "Jewish Friend" of needing a jacket.
"......But it's not my jacket, and it's much too warm."
Later back in her corner, (which I should point out now, was a corner created by an amplifier and speaker,) she and her "Jewish Friend," became ammorous. As she pulled up her skirt and straddled him, the previous protestations of not knowing her forgotton, at least by him. Much to the ammusement of all around, as he slid his hands between her legs, he managed to hold his beer.
Later outside, as she lay on the sidewalk, we asked to take their picture, they posed and offered e-mail addresses for the exchange of the images.
She said her name was "Omaha, nuh-uh..."
"Omaha, what?... Nebraska?"
"Naaah, L'il Miss Omaha, fuck Nebraska, fuck e-mail, fuck all that shit."
she announced that he was the greatest kisser in New York.
Apparently so.
Posted 2:41 PM by J.Ro           

111 THINGS I AM SAYING
in no particular order.

1. beef or chicken?
2. are you there god? I hate you.
3. I did not kill Jesus
4. I hate Valentine's Day
5. please don't look at me when we fuck.
6. I will eat your eyes when you die.
7. I would give someone a kidney.
8. I do not suck at all.
9. ...is as dumb as a bag of hot dirt.
10. I will save you some day.
11. nothing is going to change.
12. I know what you are doing, and think it is wrong, THANKS!
13. in dreams I use the stairs.
14. it is not a secret.
15. I think ninjas are cool.
16. Give me a dollar.
17. DON'T EAT MY BRAINS ZOMBIE FUCKER!!!
18. thinking ugly things.
19. I must adjust my reactions.
20. I thanked your Mother.
21. something dear has been severed.
22. God doesn't thank you.
23. you are filled with something.
24. I thanked the baby Jesus.
25. a face like yesterdays paper.
26. I thank a lot of things.
27. it is hard to forget that.
28. thank me MOTHERFUCKER.
29. show me on the doll.
30. you may be unworthy of my trust.
31. they say you can withstand great pain.
32. keep abortion safe and wheelchair accessible
33. FOR GOD'S SAKE STOP IT, WE ALL KNOW!
34. you're a liar.
35. I thought it was over.
36. I am doubtful of your intentions.
37. I am dying.
38. It will get worse before it gets better.
39. your akwardness really repulses me.
40. eat a big bowl of dick.
51. you were kidding, right?
52. I buy and sell people like you.
53. I am going to treat your face like a toilet.
54. I have never felt so lonely as right now.
55. I am truly sorry for that.
56. ME LIKEY LIKEY ON MY HANDS!
57. I am laughing through the tears.
58. you are a bad, bad person and I hope you die alone.
59. I do not like to be touched.
60. I spelled out my different fates in the ancient hand, with bugs
71. YOU'RE A FUCKING MORON
72. get in the bag.
73. I made something that looks like you.
74. you remind me of a talking coffee pot.
75. you have really gotten the wrong idea.
76. SURPRISE!!!
77. I am not like you at all
78. I thought you were something else.
79. I would trade you for a donkey.
71. the only reason I like you, is that you are stupid enough to like me back.
72. I would break up with you, but I am afraid you would kill yourself.
73. you have ruined everything.....again.
74. I love you so much I want to cut your face off and wear it like a mask.
75. you is my bitch.
76. no bad touch.
77. a bad idea gone funny.
78. I am not listening.
79. I make good things bad.
71. I make shit out of crap.
72. admired by assassins.
73. my other ride is your mom.
74. this too shall pass.
75. who is your daddy?
76. I like people to think I am smart.
77. I will skin you and wear you like a suit.
78. you are wrong.
79. in hoc signo vinces
80. bad inside
81. don't fuck so good.
82. automobile painting robots.
83. I ate the baby jesus, no J.Rock, that was a candycane.
84. candycanes do not represent the baby jesus.
85. has got something good.
86. has ugly emotions
87. full of insipid hatred.
88. don't postpone joy.
89. was once very much in love.
90. my locus of power has shifted.
91. you are in a strange place.
92. I know you would sell me.
93. there is a ghost in your elevator shaft.
94. I dreamt I saw it written in the sky.
95. have you suffered a tradgedy
96. the cactus would put it's arm around me.
97. they have microphones.
98. I used to welcome solitude.
99. the crazy one was right all along.
100. welcome to the long, long winter.
101. I am three feet high when I sleep.
102. feel my absence, please.
103. it is foolish to think you can change her.
104. you make me feel empty.
105. a bad investment.
106. with dreams that are glossy and new.
107. few understand the pressure.
108. the way is not.
109. the pleasure was all.
110. I cannot do it.
111. ways to own the space between.
Posted 5:50 PM by J.Ro           

What People Are Saying About Me

Andrea ".....what you may not know about J.Rock is that she shits her pants"
never have, that was you, and I forgive you for that.

Kris "I watch J.Rock rub knobs every day with her very sensual hands. She does it for a living. Sometimes, when she gets excited she will even poke and prod, too."
never have, that was you, and I forgive you for that.
it always comes back to the knob polishing doesn't it?

Jude "J.Rock's my sister. Break her heart and I'll have to kill you (unless you're a midget or a communist, then it's okay). "
I hate you and I will never forgive you that.


My Mom "I still remember when I went to Boston for her graduation and she tried to rent me out as some kind of "Party With My Mom" thing."
never have, that was you, and I forgive you for that.
why did you need to have three kids anyway?
can I have some money?

Manuel "Well, let's just say that having J.Rock for a lab partner, has its . . . uh . . . "perkies", I mean perks.....The tombstone, and her profession, only strengthens my theory that, in her past life, J.Rock built planes during World War II. Sexy planes.
this is totally true.

Dave "watch out everyone she's a live one! I remember being at a paty with her a long time ago and someone was showing off a stupid ass scar (someone who we mutually couldn't stand) and J.Rock piping up YOU WANT A F'N SCAR I'LL GIVE YOU A REAL F'N SCAR! needless to say we stumbled out of there soon after..
never have, that was you, and I forgive you for that.
okay, never mind this is totally true.

Orpheus "J.Rock used to slip porno mags under my door for my enjoyment and make me Cappuccino in the morning! what a roomie! She also used wear little skirts too and one time a guy on a bike totally whiffed it right infront of us checkin her out.. she's really into doornobs
never have, that was you, and I forgive you for that.
okay, never mind this is totally true.
it always comes back to the knob polishing doesn't it?
why do I know someone named Orpheus?

Claynferno "J.Rock rocks like Bill Haley on an all-nite bender. Like so many people, I wish it ended up different."
this is totally true. I love you.

Jay "J.Rock, of Manhattan, N.Y., said she was at a taping of "The Rosie O'Donnell Show" in Manhattan on Nov. 29, 2001, when a show staffer used a slingshot-type device to fire an object called a "cuzball" or koosh ball into the audience during the warm-up. J.Rock, invited to the show by a friend who had tickets, says in papers filed in Manhattan's state Supreme Court that the ball struck her "squarely in the mouth, causing her to suffer pain and swelling, as well as bleeding in her gums." J.Rocks' physical discomfort and embarrassment about her appearance caused her to turn down holiday parties and other social events and spend the 2001 Christmas season in her home, court papers say. "Furthermore, the pain and soreness around J.Rocks' mouth adversely affected plaintiff's relationship with her boyfriend, Pearce" court papers say.
never have, that was you, and I forgive you for that.

Michelle "J.Rock's a total babe."
okay, this is totally true.

Michelle "seriously--she's hot."
this is totally true.

Claude "When I find myself in a scary or confusing situation, I take several deep, cleansing breaths, imagine what J.Rock would do, align my chakras, and then sally forth boldly. Then I kick myself in the face for even trying any of that New Age shit. J.Rock is the toughest girl in class.
never have, that was you, and I forgive you for that.
okay, never mind this is totally true.

Omar "I love you. I really love you. Why don't you love me? Do you? Cuz I love you."
this is totally true. I love you too.

Aaron "J.Rock is like the sun. First of all, she is a fiery ball of red hot heat in the center of the solar system. Secondly, her endless stream of toxic heat and ultraviolet rays, if allowed access to your supple, inexperienced naked skin, will leave either a painfully glorious burn or a beautiful sexy tan. ...Also, she owns over 20 different types of nipple tassles, just like the sun would."
this is totally true.

Daniel "J.Rock wants to cut off your face and wear it like a mask.
never have, that was you, and I forgive you for that.
okay, never mind this is totally true.

Daniel "J.Rock threatens me."
never have, that was you, and I forgive you for that.

Daniel "I am physically attracted to J.Rock, but I am also afraid."
never have, that was you, and I forgive you for that.
okay, never mind this is totally true.

Elizabeth "My friend crazy, is the most normal person I know. Sometimes she's at a loss for words and it gets hard to always have to be the one to entertain her. But she has really nice turtlekneck shirts and her dancing is her strongest talent."
never have, that was you, and I forgive you for that. I love you.

Wendy "J.Rock is one sexy bitch. If she weren't already with my mom, I'd be trying to get me some of that too."
never have, that was you, and I forgive you for that.

Nica "Yesterday my landlord hand-delivered to me a card, one side of which contained an anatomical cutout of the body, with an arrow pointing to the general area of the genitals, and an accompanying inscription "THIS IS THE DIRTY PLACE" the other side of the card featured an informative diagram of a series circuit, and my name, typewritten, and encircled in red marker, with a caption reading I HATE THE GERMS. if you are nice to jessie, she will send you cards that will confuse your landlord and may intrigue the authority"
this is totally true.

Paul "Where are all the fags?"
never have, that was you, and I forgive you for that.

Claire "J.Rock is a lovely young lady with fabulous metalworking skills. Last year when my hip gave out she built me a new one. She also has built an ark, a living dog, and an "automatic" tool box. She is the best! I want her to move in with me, but she says she needs a friend, not a grandmother, ha-ha!"
this is totally true.

Marguerite "J.Rock is so cool that she fucked your mom (and maybe mine, too.)"
never have, that was you, and I forgive you for that.

Charlie "J.Rock, Nica and I were once declared Fashion Trifecta, although in all honesty I have no fucking clue why Nica and I were on there. J.Rock, however, owns a pair of Jammaster J Pumas, and will thus always be the first fecta in any Fashion Tri."
this is totally true, but they're Adidas.

Nica "J.Rock is awesome and makes the coolest fucking rings ever. and valentine's day cards. she knows that where boys fail, a cactus will always be there to put its arm around you."
this is totally true.

Emily "Together J.Rock and I make a whole jew and a whole catholic. we can make you feel guilty for anything, so don't even try it."
this is totally true.

Posted 4:11 PM by J.Ro