I had been sort of wallowing in bitterness in the hours between sleeping and drinking not that, that isn't normal; moreover, I think I secretly relish being miserable (well, perhaps not so secretly.)

Rules for a super happy deluxe life:
a.k.a., you must break up with your woman if
By Fuzzy Squid
1. She fails the door test
2. She dresses up as a cat or bunny for halloween
3. She hooks up with anyone (no excuses)

Now I will explain a few things to you.
Monkey Butler Engagement
Diamonds are dirty, I am lazy.
My dream engagement would consist of all of the regular trappings, but instead of presenting the ring in some cutsey, hid in the pastry, down on one knee; I suggest you maybe just go to the bathroom or take an important phone call, or something.
The important part of this scenario is a helper monkey butler.
I want him to be wearing a fez, a vest and maybe a little bow tie.
The fez isn't the most important part, but I think it's cute.
I do insist on pants, because I don't want monkey bits ruining this special moment.
This may sound complicated but, hey, you have to ask your self:
How many times am I going to propose marriage?
He should be holding a little sign, or maybe hand me a note.
I get to keep the monkey, to make me coffee in the morning and shit, which does me a lot better good than some sparkly ring that I will inevitably flush down the toilet a week later when I am drunk.

Time Machine
Many of you have called and written to ask me about my time machine.
Alls I can say is, that I invented everything, or rather will after I invent my time machine, I go back in time and do it.
I am in no rush of course to make this, so don't come and ask me for it. Maybe it's already done.
Hey, get your sweaty hands off my time machine! I am not going to let you play with it anyway, I am the youngest child and I am sick to death of sharing.
Which of course also means, if we have met, I have gone back and forth in time and written down everything you have ever said.
I also have it copywritten.
Everything you have and ever will say, you owe me money for.

I have also made a bunch of T-shirts.
They are wicked fucking cool. I don't have any of them. They don't exist yet. You make them real, kind of like the way you make me real, with your kind words and beautiful thoughts, or maybe that it's that you fulfill me. Yes, yes you make me real and fulfill me. Whatever! You are so special to me, and you were all I was thinking about when I was making them. Yes, you, you know who you are! They're like wishes that you pay for and then they come true. Go buy some. Make a wish come true. My wish is that I have more money, so go run along now and make that come true.
Posted 4:45 PM by J.Ro