I stole this from Mysteryfood.

walshrockemstockem Magic Number 16 Job Leader of the Free World Personality Procrastinator (If The Apathy Doesn't Kill Me) Temperament Check My Pulse Sexual Whatever, Whenever, Whoever Likely To Win A Duel With Pistols Me - In A Word Evil Colour Brought to you by MemeJack

Posted 11:39 PM by J.Ro           

Cat is back. Getting better, but not up to speed. He even seems to like me a bit now. Considering I haved now saved his life twice, that's not too bad. All the way home everyone wanted to look at the kitty in the box. They tried in vain to get him to aknowledge them. My cat is full of more hatred and indifference than even me, that's what I like about him.
Posted 8:19 PM by J.Ro           

All the mean things I have said about my cat I take back. I went to the animal hospital today to visit him. He is not happy. Lots of tubes and such, one of those things around his head so he can't do anything, and only semi-concious. Sad kitty.
Posted 3:13 PM by J.Ro           

I have a cat. His name is Stinky McTrashy.com. I found him on the street 4 years ago. He was just weened and his mother had abandoned him. I took him home in a cardboard box. He proceeded to "make stinky" all over the box. He hates me, maybe that's harsh. He doesn't care about you, me or anyone except for BlahBlahBlah, the other cat, who he likes to rape, she likes it, being the Anna Nicole Smith of the cat world, that she is. The evening before last he started to make some awful barking meows. He hid from me for a few hours, then he seemed better yesterday, then took a turn for the worse. I had to rush him to the hospital this evening. Some kind of kidney stone type situation, blocking his urine, common in males, but severe and an emergency. I had to drop almost $2,000 on this ungrateful thing. Lucky he's a nice looking cat, cause his personality sucks. He is really beautiful now though. He is tall and long, all black, agile and slinky. He is what you imagine to be the black cat that crosses your path. This is the second time in his life that I have saved him, he still couldn't care less if I was alive or not. It is friday the 13th. Funny that way.
Posted 10:23 PM by J.Ro           

Highlights from the relationship that spawned that letter.
(This is not exaggerated at all.)
When we would fight, I would commonly have to ask him to buy a better dictionary.
The letters, he insisted on writing me all these letters. I have saved them all, but only for a good chuckle now and then.
The letters were sometimes undecipherable, due to the aforementioned bad grammar and obscene spelling errors.
The letters contained poetry.
The poetry and letters were sometimes written in "calligraphy." Well, if you had the grammar and vocabulary of Corky, what you would call "Fancy Letters."
He had this game he would play when he wanted to eat all the food off my plate, where he would point at something behind me and look really surprised. Knowing that I was really hungry and just preferred to chew my food before swallowing.

Not that I am bitter or anything. It's just like looking at old pictures of yourself in outfits that you wouldn't wear now, you breathe a sigh of relief that you have grown beyond them. I do miss the dog. I realize that dogs' personalities will mirror owners', but in certain cases, both exhibit behavior that is only acceptable in something that is at the end of a leash, knows when to heel and waits for you to shit. Sometimes, I wish I could claim like UD, that I am in contact and friends with all of my exes, but that is not true. I don't feel the need to be in some cases. I don't think that proves anything except that maybe I doubt my past decisions. I realize why I was with them, but now we are not. Not to say I hate all my exes, far from that, and I am friends still with many. The exes that I am friends with, usually hold me in the highest regard. The ones I am not, it is usually because I discovered that the person that they were, was not the person they presented themselves to be. I am not anti-sentiment, I am anti-stupid fucking jerk, and even Hotmail accounts have a fucking spellcheck on them. If it took a year to write this letter, maybe you should have made it somewhat legible. I think this is enough of this anyway, let's just make fun of him.
Posted 7:12 PM by J.Ro           

I don't know where Barkley Square is.
I am not sure what a night an gale is.
I am having problems with the comment thing. Please comment when it is possible.
Posted 1:47 AM by J.Ro           

This is an unedited letter I recieved via e-mail from an obviously moronic ex-boyfriend. Helmut is a dog. At first I was confused about that last part, apparently it is a song. I am not sure if I was supposed to recognize it, or maybe think it was a beautiful poem. I haven't responded. Any suggestions?

Dear Jessie,
     I know it's been at least a year since you sent me an email asking me how Helmut was doing and that you didn't give a shit how i was. It's taken me a long time to be able to write to you for many reasons. Reasons you probable don't want to here about. i can tell you he is fantastic and he misses you very much. i know this because i just asked him and he told me he did very much. When i asked him if he missed you his tail and head simultaneously started shacking like crazy. If you want i will send you a picture of him. i hope you are happy and doing well.
     That certain light that night we met, there was magic abroad in the air. There were angels dining at the Ritz and a night an gale sang in Barkley Square. i may be right, i may be wrong but i'm perfectly willing to swear that when you turned to me and smiled at me a night an gale sang in Barkley Square.
     No matter how much you dislike me or hate me i still think of you often.
     i Remember.
Love keith

Posted 11:27 PM by J.Ro           

I admit it, it is me that has been sending you those cards. Now that you have discovered it, it is all ruined. You have ruined everything...again.
     Thank you everyone for all your good wishes. If I was mean to anyone, it was because I was drunk. I am sorry. If you were mean to me, or disapointed me in any way. I most likely forgive you. I will now be ammending the last post to reflect UD.
     This is my favorite birthday message. I got it from FS, one of my favorite people. It is not just because he always makes me laugh, but also because his birthday is April 2nd, and which is the funniest April Fool's Day joke I have ever heard:

Jessie-  I'm sorry this message is coming late. Happy Birthday!!!!  I hope its awesome, cause your awesome, and one day I think you should consider taking over the world. You could do it, you know you could, its just your good nature holding you back.  Well, when you do, and you need someone to run the ministry of Propaganda, well give me a call, baby.  I make propaganda sound kind like a hallmark card.
     Anyways to recap, Happy birthday, you're awesome, and get off that hot ass of yours and start ruling the world like you're supposed to.  I'll see you on friday at your party, if not before. --Frank

My birthday gift to myself was to sleep all day. It was going to be a new pair of shoes, but last night I changed shoes every hour or so, because of inclement weather and heels, so I decided against it.
     Props out to Liz and John. I will detail Liz's awesome card later. Their anniversary was also my birthday. I took a cute picture of them, with my new Izone camera. I know I am lame and should have a cool digital camera in a phone implanted in my wrist that reads my mind, but my camera has a radio on it, so it is cool. I am not allowed to invest in portable technology until it is made indestructible, aka kids version. Take my phone for example. The first time I dropped my phone in the toilet, I had peed in it, so I believed it was dirty and needed to be washed off, so I ran it under water for a minute. There is a less retarded reason,involving the acid in urine destroying the circuits, but it doesn't make me look like less of a moron. The phone didn't work after that. The second time I dropped it in the toilet I did the right thing, and there was no urine in it, so it worked after that. Frequently after ending a conversation I react as if my phone has gotten inexplicably hot and it will leave my hands and fly across the room. The long list of emergency room visits and bodily injuries has been detailed in previous posts. I am not sure why I am allowed to use heavy machinery, but when I have made something I will then throw it on the floor to test the integrity of the structure, I believe this is important for everything. If I drop it and it breaks, I should not own it.
Posted 6:16 PM by J.Ro           

I seem to have given someone or perhaps some people the wrong impression to some people. I do not hate boys. Contrary to what I may say sometimes, I do not believe that I am cursed, oh I am definitly gifted. I am also imbued with the knowledge of the gods. I am like the Pope, well, if the Pope were really really hot, swung a hammer like Thor, and liked to do tequilla shots. As this is my birthday, I will share some of my knowledge with you.
Arts School Confidential by Daniel Clowes (see Ghostworld) is slated to be made into a movie. Go see it. I know that people wish they could create great works of brilliance and beauty, most do not. Some suffer through 4 years and mountains of debt before discovering this. I am not sure which side I fall on, but if you would like to know what art school was like, see this movie, read this comic.
You are not the first person to think about shellacking something that is dead. It is not an original idea, it is also not archival. I will not go into the science of this here and now, but just because you put on 4 coats of whatever acrylic based garbage you bought at the art supply store, does not stop the decaying process of that flattened rat you found on your way home from the bar, and you probably shouldn't be touching it anyway.
Most people do not want to hear a poem you wrote.
Although, "If you can't make it good, make it big. If you can't make it big, make it red, because anything big and red is good." sounds good, it is not true. It is not true for paintings, it is not good for ceramic furry plaster vaginas that you can climb in, it is not good for photography, even if you cross process, nobody wants to see a red blurry photo of your armpit or whatever, even if you made it into a really big C-print and it is definitly not good for performance art.
You don't have to take your clothes off to make good art. If you are really into taking them off, rethink it a few times before you actually do it. People probably don't want to see your series of nude self portraits with vegetables and pets that you have been painting with your menses. I know it's disgusting.
If it comes from inside you or has been there,it most likely should not be used as an artists medium.
Shock Art Mostly sucks, get over it.
You had no friends in school. You were alone, you were a loser, you are no less of a loser now, you are just in a room full of them.
"Action Jackson" is not just a movie with Vanity and Sharon Stone.
When I say nobody or no one here, I mean everyone except for Jeremy Universal Donor, and if this list somehow applies to you, please visit his site and contact him in all ways that you can,
He wants to see your blurry red C-prints of your armpits, especially if they are unshaven.
He wants to hear your poetry about trees.
He wants to see your "drawings."
He wants to see how that dead thing exploded, and will talk at length about the crisp smell.
He will be your friend.





Posted 8:43 PM by J.Ro           

Since I have just sent out my mass e-mail, please try and read through all my posts and comment. I have sucsessfully posted all of them. It would make my day.
Posted 6:22 PM by J.Ro           

June 2nd.
If there is anyone actually reading this, you were probably directed by Universal Donor Today is his birthday. To celebrate this, he is going to be spending the entire day in his birthday suit. He will be masturbating fanatically (picture OCD handwashing, but with his weener,) until either his hands cramp, or his genitals become raw, achey and sore. He will probably be doing the all New York Times crossword puzzles that he has piling up amoungst the trash and other detritus that constitutes what he likes to refer to as decoration. When he is done with the NYT puzzles, including the acrosstics, he will then open up the OED (Oxford English Dictionary, concise edition, for the uninitiated,) he will need the magnifying glass, claiming to be researching the hypothesis that excessive genital stimulation via phalangetic motion does not cause blindness. When all this is done, he will attend a screening of "Finding Nemo," with PapaUD and company. Then it will be my birthday. I have to work, they will have cupcakes or something. They will sing to me. I don't really like sweets, but I will smile and choke one down. Later, I will go out with perhaps R. and the Rockstar and whoever else we can drag into our adventure. Buy me a gift. Today is also Dave the bartender's birthday. Happy birthday. He would like to make sweet, sweet love to me. I am not accepting any gifts that involve hoo-hoos in my woo-woo.
Posted 2:29 AM by J.Ro