Fighting the war on Chritmas!

Posted 4:23 PM by J.Ro           

J-Rock: But you are in LA? Did you move? Why did you go to LA? Why aren't you in NY to come to my new years's party?

Lord Casio: Hey, I just decided that I'm coming to NYC in 2 days until the 18th.
So when's your crappy party already!? (ha)

J-Rock: It's a new years party. It's on New Years Eve.

Lord Casio: Gay...what about Quanza?

J-Rock: I have a Kwanzaa party, but it's in my pants, and you're not invited cause it's all about seven days of celebration, featuring activities such as candle-lighting and pouring of libations and culminating in a feast and gift-giving. Each of the seven days of Kwanzaa is dedicated to one of the following principles, in my pants.

Unity To strive for and maintain unity in the family, community, nation and race in my pants.
Self-Determination To define ourselves, name ourselves, create for ourselves and speak for ourselves in my pants.
Collective Work and Responsibility To build and maintain our community together and make our brother's and sister's problems our problems and to solve them together in my pants.
Cooperative Economics To build and maintain our own stores, shops and other businesses and to profit from them together in my pants.
Purpose To make our collective vocation the building and developing of our community in order to restore my pants to their traditional greatness in my pants.
Creativity To do always as much as we can, in the way we can, in order to leave my pants more beautiful and beneficial than we inherited them.
Faith To believe with all our heart in our people, our parents, our teachers, our leaders and the righteousness and victory of the struggle in my pants.
These principles correspond to the notion that "the seven-fold path of my pants is think in my pants, talk to my pants, act in my pants, create my pants, buy my pants, vote for my pants, and live in my pants."

Lord Casio: Wow....you know how to spell Kwanza. Your pants are complicated. I sometimes celebrate the "running of the balls" but its pretty laid back.
Happy Holidays....in your pants.
Posted 2:46 PM by J.Ro           

J-Rock: I am thinking that I should start a fight club, but instead of men who want to fight, it will just be slutty girls.
Universal Donor: hmm, I predict you will be a millionaire soon.
Posted 12:03 PM by J.Ro           

Go read Fuzzy Squid and see about my date from hell. Maybe if I stop feeling really lazy I will tell the entire story again.
Posted 12:42 PM by J.Ro           

Hipster Meta Rant
I hate myself
Sugar-free Redbull doesn't cover the taste of vom.

Universal Donor has been raving about the awesomeness of The Burg. I finally got around to downloading some and putting it onto my Ipod, (cause you know, the new video IPod takes like forever to load things onto.) So I am on the L, going out to the steel shop that freelance at, but today I am just waiting for the DSL line to be installed. I get in, luckily, I was wearing a hoodie, so I did a little grinding on the Whole Foods job. Then I went to the independant natural food store and got some food. Re-read the texts from the guy I met this weekend at the Halloween loft party, (who is 25 and was dressed as a Mexican wrestler.) Verizon fucked up, and wasn't coming, so I left early. I tried to watch some of The Burg. but by the time I got to Metropolitan/Lorimar the train got crowded, I looked at the people around me, threw up a little in my mouth, and put on The Mountain Goats instead. I got off the train, and knew I totally had to blog about it. Gotta run now, I am going to go have kinky sex with an actor/writer guy. Happy Halloween!
Posted 1:07 PM by J.Ro           

Posted 8:30 PM by J.Ro           

The People's Common Sense Medical Adviser by R.V. Pierce M.D.
©1918, by World's Dispensary Medical Association
Posted 5:35 PM by J.Ro           

When I was 18, I was a naughty, naughty girl who didn't deserve to eat.

Posted 11:48 AM by J.Ro           

On Resin Babies
Universal Donor: zam! here now, how 'bout you?
Me: yes
Universal Donor: wheee! I'm dying!!!!!
Me: have you checked my blog and seen my obscene Asian babies?
11:00 AM GET WITH THE TIMES!
Universal Donor: i've been out of the loop for the last 3 weeks or so
Me: What loop were you in? The anti-Asian babies loop!
Me: http://rockemstockem.blogspot.com/
Universal Donor: thanks, spazfucker
i know your URL!
WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH
OH MY HOT FUCK THAT IS DISTURBING
YES! Craig and I found them and all these old men and women came up and said
CUTE! BABY! CUTE! CUTE! BABY!
He told them I was afraid of having real babies, so I had them like kittens.
Universal Donor: jesus fucking christ
I can't even hang with the babies
Me: why you have to hate on my babies?
I named one after you, Bunbury!
Universal Donor: because i can see their assh*les
Me: what about the weiners
Universal Donor: don't get me started on the kibbles and bits
Me: one of them is all ass up in the air
Universal Donor: i know like a monkey
Me: and he's in front of the one that is holding his legs back
Universal Donor: presenting
WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH
stop it!
You will forever compromise the quality of my sleep

On Sarah
Universal Donor: she had hobocock breath
Me: well that's why I started calling her that!
Universal Donor: makes sense to me! It's a very distinctive smell


Posted 1:32 AM by J.Ro           

I found these in Chinatown, they were $3.00 each. Mister insisted that I buy the whole set.

Posted 8:55 PM by J.Ro           

Posted 12:47 PM by J.Ro           

More From The Zoos!


Posted 11:31 AM by J.Ro           

In the lunchroom of the jungle,
tigers and cheetahs don't eat together.

Posted 11:25 AM by J.Ro           

Dear Myla Goldberg,
If I were the Decemberist's, I too would write a song about you. I think if I saw you on the street I would get butterflies in my stomach.

Dear Hot Man On The Subway,
I totally thought you were hot, and then went and ruined it for yourself. You are tall and solid, and you have your 50's screen hero good looks. The rain had made your hair wet most of it was slicked back, but a few strands fell rakishly into your eyes. Your t-shirt clung to your body. The white t-shirt and blue jeans were a nice touch to the bygone era hero thing. Then I saw your flip-flops, I thought I would give you another chance, but you kept sucking on your finger (seriously, what was that all about, were you eating crackers and they were stuck between your back teeth and gums?) and it was over. We could have had beautiful babies.

Dear Lady On The TV,
I can't stand to look at you, this sewing show is really interesting, and I am sure you have a lot you could teach me. I am sorry you can only talk out of the left side of your mouth. Is it because of a stroke?
Posted 11:16 AM by J.Ro           

A STORY TOLD IN PICTURES BY MY CAMERAPHONE




Posted 1:33 PM by J.Ro           

Just a suggestion, if you don't want people to know about that time you hired a tranny prostitute, don't get drunk and tell the story every time you meet someone. The smile and glazed eyes as you reminisce on how (s)he worked it, and how it was the best tail you ever had, gives it away.

Dear Throat Cancer Guy,
Please go away. It's not that I support cancer or anything, I am sorry you had throat cancer, but I don't want to see you swabbing your goddamn throat anymore. I am sorry that the hole in your throat stops you from swimming, maybe you can get water wings or get some kind of throat snorkel.

Dear Tang,
I hate you. I gave it a shot, but you suck. Please leave my fridgidator, the weird orange glow kinda scares me.

Dear Pootie-Tang,
I love you, stay the same. You're awesome.

Dear Omen,
Thank you for bringing me such joy with your unnessecarily violent death scenes. If I ever spawn, child of satan or not, I am only going to cut their hair while they are sleeping and tell them the hair cutting fairy did it. Also, if that kid isn't the child of the devil for reals, you've really fucked him up, if he is, well he still is going to be fucked up. I think he may need to see a shrink.
Posted 3:21 PM by J.Ro           

Patridiculous' Birthday Fortunes

(for beer, you know, cause it's better that way.)

"Jessie is hotter than you, even though she’s old now."

"I’ll show you a happy birthday.
Bend over."

"You are in charge of Jessie’s spanking."

"Are you sure you deserve this beer?
(132 calories, fatty)"

"You were obviously a pity invite."

"Even cock teases get birthdays."

"This means Jessie’s parents had sex."

"Jessie wants a unicorn for her birthday.
By unicorn, she means anal."

"No present = no fun touch."

"Jessie is hotter than you, even though she’s drunk now."

"Nice party dress. NOT!"

"Are you sure you deserve that slice of cake?"

"Who invited you?"

"You will not get laid tonight."

"She loves you not."

"Quit flirting with him, slut!"

"It’s her birthday and she’ll drink dish soap if she wants to."
(This one's a long story)

"You dirty! You dirty! You dirty!"

"I saw you do that. You’re dirty."

"Someone here wants to teach you a lesson."



Thanks, Patricialicious!
Posted 12:51 PM by J.Ro           

Posted 2:51 PM by J.Ro           

GO LOOK AT THIS RIGHT NOW! Or I will never speak to you again; this is not to say that I don't love you and want the best for you, I really do. I am thankful for your kind thoughts, and friendship. You really are the best. You're seriously totally awesome. I am so glad you're my friend. I love you, and I promise I won't tell anyone about that thing.
Posted 3:24 PM by J.Ro           

AN E-MAIL I SENT TODAY TO MY FATHER

Dearest Father,
I have a crippling fear of your answering machine; unless you change the recorded message that greets callers, I will be forced to come over and smash it. I own several hammers, and mallets of varying sizes and applications, all which would be useful for such an event.
I love you and miss conversing with you over the telephone wire, yet every time I put the receiver to my ear to ring you, I am seized by a paralyzing fear of that device.

Lovingly, your daughter,


J-Rock
Don't ask me about my time machine.
Posted 7:32 AM by J.Ro           

With Mother's Day fast approaching, I know many of you are looking for just the right poem to express your feelings, I was referred to this site. I wish Hallmark would take a cue from them. No, seriously, this may be my favorite poem of all time.
Posted 5:13 PM by J.Ro           

Posted 6:26 PM by J.Ro           

Dear NYC Cab Drivers,
When a single woman enters your cab after attending a party, it is okay to make polite conversaton; polite conversation in case you are not aware includes, but is not limited to the following
asking her how her night was.
if she is from the city.
telling her small inconsequential details about yourself, where you are from, your name etc.
It is not okay to to tell her your dick is hard, that you are horny and want a blowjob.
If there are any questions about this, please do not feel free to contact me.

Please forget where you dropped me off.
J-Rock
Posted 6:15 PM by J.Ro           

Jeffery Brown's comic, I'm going to be small.

Posted 4:59 PM by J.Ro           

Posted 2:54 PM by J.Ro           

Nuncstans totally understands my art.

Posted 2:22 PM by J.Ro           

Posted 11:14 PM by J.Ro           

Actual Text Message Exchange
Victor: You should come to Barcade. Nerd convention!
J-Rock: Are you the keynote speaker?
Posted 1:34 AM by J.Ro           

The New York City subway system, although greatly improved from the days of yore, still leaves much to be desired. I know, what an original observation! J-Rock, you so clevah! Maybe instead I just want to share with you a couple of recent stories.

Last week on my way to work, I went to sit down on a bench and realized why only one person was sitting at this bench, because there were multiple piles of human feces on the ground, in front of the bench. This was not towards the back of a little used station far out on the outer stretches of some seldom used line. This was on the Houston street 1 line. I of course realized too late, and then had to spend the next few minutes making sure the hem of my coat stayed far, far away.

On my way home recently, I sat across from a woman chewing on orange peels. They were floating around her bag, sitting on her lap. I didn't actually see any orange pieces. Just orange peels, and there was no container, or bag from which they came, well except for her purse. This would have been of course, an amusing if not strange enough scenario to occupy my trip, but it got even better! Somewhere on the Upper West Side (86th street, I believe,) a man boarded the car, sat down on in the corner seat, and proceeded to remove his shoes. He then produced what looked to be those handi-wipes that they give you in bar-b-cue restaurants, and began to furiously scrub his feet. I tried to occupy myself with my book, but the car was somewhat empty, and half of the car was now some kind of freak show. I tried not to laugh, even the orange peel lady was staring. Luckily about that time, the train pulled into the 72nd street station, and I exited.
Posted 9:48 PM by J.Ro           

This is on the sleeve of my new coat.
Posted 2:18 AM by J.Ro           

Happy New Years!
Todays list is entitled...

THINGS TO NEVER WRITE IN AN E-MAIL OR CHAT TO J-ROCK
<3
CUL8ER
CYO
F2F
FOMCL
FTBOMH
GAL
GOL
IMCO
IMHO
IMNSHO
IMO
IRL
JIC
JK
JMO
JTLYK
KIT
KWIM?
L8R G8R
LDR
LHO
LMAO
LMSO
LOL
LTR
LY
LY4E
MorF
NIFOC
NP or N/P
OLL
OMG
OTF
PAW
RL
ROTFL
ROTFLMAO
RPG
RT
SEG
SETE
SWAK
SWL
SYS
TA
TAFN
TCOY
TGIF
TLK2UL8R
TMI
TNT
TOY
TTYL
TU
TY
WB
WBS
WT?
WTFO
WTF!?
WU?
YBS
YGBSM

no, really.
Posted 9:18 PM by J.Ro