FUCKING TELEVISON
I just saw the latest teaser for Average Joe. The latest in the neverending cavalcade of desperate bimbos clawing all over themselves for a less then handsome, suitably bland fucksuck, whom they think, or rather, hope has a larger bulge in his wallet than he has in his pants. The best part is, they take this bubbly girl, and deposit her in a remote location promising her a whole busload of men, clawing for her like it was some English boarding school, and they hadn't decided that "it" doesn't count yet (or better, perhaps there is "we're just practising.") This one is fucking great, because it turns out, (there's always a twist, those tricky little devils at the networks!) These guys are "average." Man, if I was the dumbfuck who answered that casting call, or even better, if I was asked to be go for that, I think I would stab my eyes out right then.
"Yeah, we really like this thing you have going, but we don't think you're quite right for The Bacheloette, but we're developing a new show....something more... everyman. I think you'd be perfect for it.
The best part is these fucktards say, I'm all for it, sign me the fuck up!
Then there is Trista, or Carrie, or Jizzface or whatever this seasons silly little girls name is, who couldn't possibly soil her precious little self, by dating some less than spectacular speciman of a man. Like the four years that she spent waking up in a soup made of her own vomit, half the football teams ejaculate, and other bodily fluids, didn't do anything to deter her from wearing white at her dream wedding.
I have a couple of suggestions for next seasons reality television line-up. Remember, it was me who originally had the idea for the Surreal Life, but my version had Don Knotts, and there was a winner who was awarded a gay porn contract in the end!
Who Wants To Marry A Mormon? The twist is, in the end, he marries them all!
The Amish Life. The best part is, there is no fucking show, they're Amish, for fuck's sake!
Both of these shows of course, there will be a surprise guest. We'll just say for now, it's the former pimp/girlfriend/sister he married/loan officer.
Remember during sweeps next year, it was me who thought of this all.

Posted 10:00 PM by J.Ro           

One of the most important lessons I have learned in life, has to do with vomit. I am not a regular thrower-upper, but I have had my moments.
Take my advice
HANDS AWAY FROM FACE.
Heed this, and things will not get unnecessarily ugly.

This is not something I just, learned, but I do feel it is important to share.
Thank you.
Posted 2:39 AM by J.Ro           

I know it's been awhile. I am like that "guy you're sorta seeing." You know the one. He always has excuses and plans. Never committing to a Friday night date. Waits hours to call you back, even though he got the message and isn't doing anything. He has a big dick, is gorgeous, smart, funny but doesn't want commitment. Yeah, I am really sensitive, but I don't reveal my feelings. I make grand plans one day, then "feel trapped," the next. Oh wait, reverse the gender and that is me.
     I suck.
     I like what they're thinking.
     I have been working on uploading pictures to Shutterfly for all to see CALIFORNIA ADVENTURE
     I will start you off with highlights from my trip before I get into my freak magneticism all full tilt.
     I saw Fuzzy Squid had a lot of fun. We chased Universal Donor around while he practiced being a Rockstar. As Fuzzy Squid jetted off to Hawaii, I was then drafted into the video production crew.
     I met many lovely people.
     Then off to LA!
     I arrived at House of RaeKool, awaiting me was much love and booze.
     UD's cell phone was stolen.
     I met many lovely people. I will not name the guilty parties, but you know who you are.
     I played an interesting bastardization of Finding Nemo Memory where a sweet innocent child's educational game was corrupted with THIS. I don't think I really need to describe the rules, which is good, because my memory is still a little fogged.
     The second and last leg of my tour was spent with Andrea, J. and her awesome dog Montgomery.
     Andrea took me on the super tour of LA. We did a lot of shopping.
     It was with her that I met the unfunniest person ever. He like a puppy, followed us home from a party.
     He is a comedian.
     I say this, not as a joke, he is a comedian.
     He is about as funny as face cancer. The only laughs were from excruciating discomfort.
     I am fucking hilarious, yet every time I said something, I got blank stares.
      We tried to lose him by going for a late night run to Canter's Deli.
     He joined us. We had now known him for almost a whole half of an hour!
     That was were it started.
     "Do you want to hear a sad story?"
     He then held us emotionally captive for the next three hours, as he told us his entire life story.
     He never really knew his dad. He hated his father and his angry bitterness was evident even to our sloppy drunken asses.
     Then last May he was the one to find his mother, two weeks after she had committed suicide.
     We were now incredibly uncomfortable. We tried to change the subject by talking about anything else.
     "I'M NOT FINISHED YET!" He scolded, as if he were a knuckle-rapping nun.
     Then he started to cry.
     As I patted him on the head, he said "I just need to be held right now."
     He followed us back to Andrea's. It was now 6am (9am J.Rock time.)
     Still thinking he was drunk, he convinced us to let him stay.
     I fell asleep and was woken up not once, but THREE TIMES by him rubbing my back.
     In the morning he asked to take me to the Paul Frank Store. I explained there was a perfectly good Paul Frank store in New York, that I have never been to, that I had no interest in visiting, and that I wasn't 12 and didn't wear monkey pjs.
     Then he asked to make out. Even offering to get me a toothbrush and toothpaste, so I could freshen up.
     Then he offered me his mother's wardrobe.
     I found an article he had written online, which corroborated the unfunniest title. The subject being "9/11 widow really happy husband is dead," written over a year ago.
     Then he tried to contact me on Friendster.
     The next night I met Dr. Giggles AKA, "The Retard from LA Law." He was cool.
Posted 8:36 PM by J.Ro           

I am leaving my the vicinity (I usually stay within walking distance.)
I am leaving NYC (I hope it is still there when I get back.)
I will have to travel (it seems that all of my trips are punctured with nudity, drunken tom-foolery and injurous situations.)
I am going to California (are New Yorkers allowed to do that?)
I bought an Ipod (it has seldom been dropped on floor or toilet.)
HOT SEXY ZOMBIES!
Thank you Fuzzy Squid.

Posted 4:09 AM by J.Ro           

Still Roasting's Greatest Night EVER
I went to a party for 'Sup Magazine last night. TV On The Radio played.
She stumbled to the stage just after the first song started. She stood in front of the singer, holding her hand up as if to say "Hi," in a personal joke type of way. She soon went on to the guitar player, she didn't so much walk in front as stomped. She led her small "Jewish Friend," around. He seemed ignorant of her intentions. Between songs she requested something, pleading about "...just two minutes..." "You suck, and everybody is just pretending they like you. Let's open it up with some poetry."
(Here, I must insert my disdain for poetry, in fact, the word alone makes me shudder.)
She was edged away from the band, where she seated herself in a corner, staring at the ceiling. Universal Donor, heroically led her outside for some air, rescuing her from the now angry mob of oddly dressed hipsters.
Outside, she incoherently babbled about union leaders in nursing. Accusing her "Jewish Friend" of needing a jacket.
"......But it's not my jacket, and it's much too warm."
Later back in her corner, (which I should point out now, was a corner created by an amplifier and speaker,) she and her "Jewish Friend," became ammorous. As she pulled up her skirt and straddled him, the previous protestations of not knowing her forgotton, at least by him. Much to the ammusement of all around, as he slid his hands between her legs, he managed to hold his beer.
Later outside, as she lay on the sidewalk, we asked to take their picture, they posed and offered e-mail addresses for the exchange of the images.
She said her name was "Omaha, nuh-uh..."
"Omaha, what?... Nebraska?"
"Naaah, L'il Miss Omaha, fuck Nebraska, fuck e-mail, fuck all that shit."
she announced that he was the greatest kisser in New York.
Apparently so.
Posted 2:41 PM by J.Ro           

111 THINGS I AM SAYING
in no particular order.

1. beef or chicken?
2. are you there god? I hate you.
3. I did not kill Jesus
4. I hate Valentine's Day
5. please don't look at me when we fuck.
6. I will eat your eyes when you die.
7. I would give someone a kidney.
8. I do not suck at all.
9. ...is as dumb as a bag of hot dirt.
10. I will save you some day.
11. nothing is going to change.
12. I know what you are doing, and think it is wrong, THANKS!
13. in dreams I use the stairs.
14. it is not a secret.
15. I think ninjas are cool.
16. Give me a dollar.
17. DON'T EAT MY BRAINS ZOMBIE FUCKER!!!
18. thinking ugly things.
19. I must adjust my reactions.
20. I thanked your Mother.
21. something dear has been severed.
22. God doesn't thank you.
23. you are filled with something.
24. I thanked the baby Jesus.
25. a face like yesterdays paper.
26. I thank a lot of things.
27. it is hard to forget that.
28. thank me MOTHERFUCKER.
29. show me on the doll.
30. you may be unworthy of my trust.
31. they say you can withstand great pain.
32. keep abortion safe and wheelchair accessible
33. FOR GOD'S SAKE STOP IT, WE ALL KNOW!
34. you're a liar.
35. I thought it was over.
36. I am doubtful of your intentions.
37. I am dying.
38. It will get worse before it gets better.
39. your akwardness really repulses me.
40. eat a big bowl of dick.
51. you were kidding, right?
52. I buy and sell people like you.
53. I am going to treat your face like a toilet.
54. I have never felt so lonely as right now.
55. I am truly sorry for that.
56. ME LIKEY LIKEY ON MY HANDS!
57. I am laughing through the tears.
58. you are a bad, bad person and I hope you die alone.
59. I do not like to be touched.
60. I spelled out my different fates in the ancient hand, with bugs
71. YOU'RE A FUCKING MORON
72. get in the bag.
73. I made something that looks like you.
74. you remind me of a talking coffee pot.
75. you have really gotten the wrong idea.
76. SURPRISE!!!
77. I am not like you at all
78. I thought you were something else.
79. I would trade you for a donkey.
71. the only reason I like you, is that you are stupid enough to like me back.
72. I would break up with you, but I am afraid you would kill yourself.
73. you have ruined everything.....again.
74. I love you so much I want to cut your face off and wear it like a mask.
75. you is my bitch.
76. no bad touch.
77. a bad idea gone funny.
78. I am not listening.
79. I make good things bad.
71. I make shit out of crap.
72. admired by assassins.
73. my other ride is your mom.
74. this too shall pass.
75. who is your daddy?
76. I like people to think I am smart.
77. I will skin you and wear you like a suit.
78. you are wrong.
79. in hoc signo vinces
80. bad inside
81. don't fuck so good.
82. automobile painting robots.
83. I ate the baby jesus, no J.Rock, that was a candycane.
84. candycanes do not represent the baby jesus.
85. has got something good.
86. has ugly emotions
87. full of insipid hatred.
88. don't postpone joy.
89. was once very much in love.
90. my locus of power has shifted.
91. you are in a strange place.
92. I know you would sell me.
93. there is a ghost in your elevator shaft.
94. I dreamt I saw it written in the sky.
95. have you suffered a tradgedy
96. the cactus would put it's arm around me.
97. they have microphones.
98. I used to welcome solitude.
99. the crazy one was right all along.
100. welcome to the long, long winter.
101. I am three feet high when I sleep.
102. feel my absence, please.
103. it is foolish to think you can change her.
104. you make me feel empty.
105. a bad investment.
106. with dreams that are glossy and new.
107. few understand the pressure.
108. the way is not.
109. the pleasure was all.
110. I cannot do it.
111. ways to own the space between.
Posted 5:50 PM by J.Ro           

What People Are Saying About Me

Andrea ".....what you may not know about J.Rock is that she shits her pants"
never have, that was you, and I forgive you for that.

Kris "I watch J.Rock rub knobs every day with her very sensual hands. She does it for a living. Sometimes, when she gets excited she will even poke and prod, too."
never have, that was you, and I forgive you for that.
it always comes back to the knob polishing doesn't it?

Jude "J.Rock's my sister. Break her heart and I'll have to kill you (unless you're a midget or a communist, then it's okay). "
I hate you and I will never forgive you that.


My Mom "I still remember when I went to Boston for her graduation and she tried to rent me out as some kind of "Party With My Mom" thing."
never have, that was you, and I forgive you for that.
why did you need to have three kids anyway?
can I have some money?

Manuel "Well, let's just say that having J.Rock for a lab partner, has its . . . uh . . . "perkies", I mean perks.....The tombstone, and her profession, only strengthens my theory that, in her past life, J.Rock built planes during World War II. Sexy planes.
this is totally true.

Dave "watch out everyone she's a live one! I remember being at a paty with her a long time ago and someone was showing off a stupid ass scar (someone who we mutually couldn't stand) and J.Rock piping up YOU WANT A F'N SCAR I'LL GIVE YOU A REAL F'N SCAR! needless to say we stumbled out of there soon after..
never have, that was you, and I forgive you for that.
okay, never mind this is totally true.

Orpheus "J.Rock used to slip porno mags under my door for my enjoyment and make me Cappuccino in the morning! what a roomie! She also used wear little skirts too and one time a guy on a bike totally whiffed it right infront of us checkin her out.. she's really into doornobs
never have, that was you, and I forgive you for that.
okay, never mind this is totally true.
it always comes back to the knob polishing doesn't it?
why do I know someone named Orpheus?

Claynferno "J.Rock rocks like Bill Haley on an all-nite bender. Like so many people, I wish it ended up different."
this is totally true. I love you.

Jay "J.Rock, of Manhattan, N.Y., said she was at a taping of "The Rosie O'Donnell Show" in Manhattan on Nov. 29, 2001, when a show staffer used a slingshot-type device to fire an object called a "cuzball" or koosh ball into the audience during the warm-up. J.Rock, invited to the show by a friend who had tickets, says in papers filed in Manhattan's state Supreme Court that the ball struck her "squarely in the mouth, causing her to suffer pain and swelling, as well as bleeding in her gums." J.Rocks' physical discomfort and embarrassment about her appearance caused her to turn down holiday parties and other social events and spend the 2001 Christmas season in her home, court papers say. "Furthermore, the pain and soreness around J.Rocks' mouth adversely affected plaintiff's relationship with her boyfriend, Pearce" court papers say.
never have, that was you, and I forgive you for that.

Michelle "J.Rock's a total babe."
okay, this is totally true.

Michelle "seriously--she's hot."
this is totally true.

Claude "When I find myself in a scary or confusing situation, I take several deep, cleansing breaths, imagine what J.Rock would do, align my chakras, and then sally forth boldly. Then I kick myself in the face for even trying any of that New Age shit. J.Rock is the toughest girl in class.
never have, that was you, and I forgive you for that.
okay, never mind this is totally true.

Omar "I love you. I really love you. Why don't you love me? Do you? Cuz I love you."
this is totally true. I love you too.

Aaron "J.Rock is like the sun. First of all, she is a fiery ball of red hot heat in the center of the solar system. Secondly, her endless stream of toxic heat and ultraviolet rays, if allowed access to your supple, inexperienced naked skin, will leave either a painfully glorious burn or a beautiful sexy tan. ...Also, she owns over 20 different types of nipple tassles, just like the sun would."
this is totally true.

Daniel "J.Rock wants to cut off your face and wear it like a mask.
never have, that was you, and I forgive you for that.
okay, never mind this is totally true.

Daniel "J.Rock threatens me."
never have, that was you, and I forgive you for that.

Daniel "I am physically attracted to J.Rock, but I am also afraid."
never have, that was you, and I forgive you for that.
okay, never mind this is totally true.

Elizabeth "My friend crazy, is the most normal person I know. Sometimes she's at a loss for words and it gets hard to always have to be the one to entertain her. But she has really nice turtlekneck shirts and her dancing is her strongest talent."
never have, that was you, and I forgive you for that. I love you.

Wendy "J.Rock is one sexy bitch. If she weren't already with my mom, I'd be trying to get me some of that too."
never have, that was you, and I forgive you for that.

Nica "Yesterday my landlord hand-delivered to me a card, one side of which contained an anatomical cutout of the body, with an arrow pointing to the general area of the genitals, and an accompanying inscription "THIS IS THE DIRTY PLACE" the other side of the card featured an informative diagram of a series circuit, and my name, typewritten, and encircled in red marker, with a caption reading I HATE THE GERMS. if you are nice to jessie, she will send you cards that will confuse your landlord and may intrigue the authority"
this is totally true.

Paul "Where are all the fags?"
never have, that was you, and I forgive you for that.

Claire "J.Rock is a lovely young lady with fabulous metalworking skills. Last year when my hip gave out she built me a new one. She also has built an ark, a living dog, and an "automatic" tool box. She is the best! I want her to move in with me, but she says she needs a friend, not a grandmother, ha-ha!"
this is totally true.

Marguerite "J.Rock is so cool that she fucked your mom (and maybe mine, too.)"
never have, that was you, and I forgive you for that.

Charlie "J.Rock, Nica and I were once declared Fashion Trifecta, although in all honesty I have no fucking clue why Nica and I were on there. J.Rock, however, owns a pair of Jammaster J Pumas, and will thus always be the first fecta in any Fashion Tri."
this is totally true, but they're Adidas.

Nica "J.Rock is awesome and makes the coolest fucking rings ever. and valentine's day cards. she knows that where boys fail, a cactus will always be there to put its arm around you."
this is totally true.

Emily "Together J.Rock and I make a whole jew and a whole catholic. we can make you feel guilty for anything, so don't even try it."
this is totally true.

Posted 4:11 PM by J.Ro           

I know, it has been so long. It has been a long time for many things in my life, sin and debauchery not withstanding, although I have managed to save some purity hidden deep somewhere within my cold, cold heart.
I went on a road trip this weekend.
Some things I learned in Atlantic City
Opening a beer bottle with your teeth, will usually score you a free one. People will stare at you in awe and wonderment. It is not advised to try this at home although it is advisable in a strip club that is BYOB, in which you have not.
Do not wear a cheerleader's skirt to a casino.
Do not wear a cheerleader's skirt to a strip club.
Do not heed fashion advice from men without any sense or interest in fashion, they will always opt for the cheerleader's skirt.
If you insist on ignoring the previous advice, do so with a large man. He may be mistaken for your pimp, but hey, what the fuck you wearing a cheerleading skirt to dens of debauchery for anyway, you fuckwad?
If you still insist on wearing trucker hats, make a roadtrip to southern Jersey, you will find boxes of them, all cooler then yours for twenty-five cents apiece.


Posted 2:05 AM by J.Ro           

I do not like the sexy show with the girl with curly hair. Until last week, I had never seen even a clip. Now, I hate my clothes and hair. Now, I want to "settle down." I want to distance myself from all parallels that have been previously and will be drawn. I hated them before, now I fully understand and my hatred knows no bounds. I am glad that this phenomenon is ending. I know I am supposed to like it. I know I am supposed to say, "Oh my god! That's just like me!" I don't.
This was posted last night.
I accidently deleted it, because there was some fucked up shit going on
Anyway. I still hate the show. FuzzySquid, in his boy world bubble doesn't know what I am talking about. Lucky him. I can see how appealing it is to some girl in the midwest or some recent transplant to the city. The twentysomething suburban trying to put together her post soroity wardrobe. I don't drink things that are green, or blue. The only green thing you'll find in my Martini glass is a gin soaked olive.
Posted 11:32 PM by J.Ro           

I am smitten with a boy.
Today I bought hair ties that say they are firm and tight.
Friendster is like that party where too many people have seen you naked in the morning. I tend to just get drunk and make a fool of myself in these situations.

Posted 3:58 AM by J.Ro           

I didn't pose for the calender, at least not yet. More Chicks With Power Tools

Posted 9:09 PM by J.Ro           

If you're reading this, there is a fifty percent chance that you have recieved at least one postcard from me. You may have also been the recipient of a valentine, or perhaps my contact information was handed to you on one of my business cards. Maybe you have seen my other work, or maybe if you just know me. Most people see the connections in all of these things. I have left the out names of the other parties involved, but a few facts must be pointed out.
     The recipient of this card is a teacher at a well known art school in NYC who was raised in the downtown area. The postcard in question is posted on his website and is postmarked May 24th, this phone call took place on July 8th. I warned him prior to his reciept of the postcard, and this phone call took place after it was posted to his site.
     I don't feel totally comfortable revealing the address of the site, as it kind of makes me a hypocrite. My postcard on one side had a picture of a girl running and a diagram of diathermy with 2 pictures of an arm. There were two typed statements. Next to the girl it said "DON'T EAT MY BRAINS ZOMBIE FUCKER!!!" and next to the arm it said "I know you would sell me." The other side there was a diagram of a series circut and eleven stamps totaling the necessary postage. I admit it was anonymous, but I didn't see it as threatening to a man whose work likens George Bush to Hitler, with the caption "What the fuck you gonna do about it?" There are multiple drawings on his site of this sort. Instead of a swastika, the red armband bears a stylized dollar sign, to suggest it. I am not going to go into my personal critique of his art, the historical accuracy of it, nor am I going to make personal attacks on him or his girlfriend.


"I apoligized to _____ today for sending you that card. If you were offended, I wish you would have told me when I spoke to you. As someone who has taken certain liberties with e-mail addresses, as well as a person whom I considered a friend, I think you should have come out in my defense before it led to her calling me. If this is something between the two of you, please keep this as such, I do not wish to be involved with your disagreements. I feel my involvement is totally inappropriate, if this kind of behavior is to continue, please delete all contact information for me."

"No, I wasn't offended but I was very confused and shocked when I first saw it. When I found out you did it, I was amused. I assume that was the effect you were looking for. I did "come to your defense" so to speak, but _____ was very upset and insisted on talking to directly. I told her what you told her, but she wanted to hear it directly from you. I cant deny my girl. I don't want you between _____ and my squabbles, but that was the inevitable consequence when some one (her) reacts to something (your card) and wants to understand it for better or worse.Your behavior isn't inappropriate, but as an artist who sends things like this out you cant expect everyone to "get it". You have to expect that some people will be confused, shocked, upset, tickled, amused, entertained, angered, placated, flattered, and even offended. Especially when you don't sign your name to it. That forces a lot of interpretation which as an artist must be one of your goals. In short, you cannot send me things or communicate with me and not expect _____ to react the same way I do; even if I wish she would. That's her interpretation; maybe you two should discuss it more. Seriously! Me, I didn't like her reaction, and let her know it. But that's her opinion created by her own point of view. She doesn1t know you so how can you expect her to understand that card the same way? Out of every one in my and _____'s family, I'm the only one that might get this card. It forces thought; that's what art does. But don't be upset that it doesn't generate the desired effect with each person that gets it.
     I dig it. You should keep sending em' out to people, and I really wouldn't mind another. Thanks for sending it."

"The issue is, that you shouldn't have given her my phone number. I might not have had a problem explaining the motivation behind my sending you this, but I wasn't given that chance, nor was I asked if my privacy could be violated. When you display your art, you are not asked to explain or justify your art, nor are visitors provided with your home number to call and ask you to explain and justify it. I wasn't asked to explain the merits of it, she didn't have anything to say except that she found it "vulgar." She is allowed to be upset with it, but she is not allowed to contact me. I was personally offended by her interpretation, and your lack of an introduction to her. Had you called me and asked me to explain it to her it might have been different, but as she doesn't know me, she was way overstepping any boundry that she might have felt I crossed. I am not here to criticize or make judgements on your relationship, I understand that you are very different people, I don't know her. That's why it was addressed to you and not to her or the both of you."

"I introduced you two several times. You both don't seem to get along. Your both great at arguing, you can keep switching the subject of the issue. Leave me out of it. You can always think your 100% percent right, and so can _____. Lets just not talk. I don't think anyone would mind that now.
     Sorry for the intrusion. Seriously."
Posted 3:29 PM by J.Ro           

Thoughts On Completely Selling Out
Returning from a long weekend in a warm place and going back to work, I have come up with two business plans. They both involve using my assets to their fullest. The only requirement is finding someone of equal or greater value to complete the equation. They are both similar in which they employ my education, looks, and verbal skills to (hopefully) terminate my need for employment.

The first one is to marry rich. I know that sounds passe, trashy and misogynist, but we are talking about selling out, and if I am to throw away my values, I might as well do it right. I look good in and out of clothes. Swimsuits, cocktail dresses, burlap sacks, what have you. I can walk in heels, until I have guzzled enough martinis to politely stagger. I can chat and flirt about current events usually without offending anyone (if I try hard enough). I can also use my interest and education in the arts for my charity work.

The second is to sell white babies. I was born with blond hair and blue eyes, I am attractive, thin, of above average height and have been tested at well above average intelligence. I am college educated and have no history of insanity or early onset diseases in my family. We mostly all live to be old and remember it. I have good genes.

The only problems are that I worry about the return policies on these two.

I was recently asked to pose for a calendar the subject being Chicks with power tools. I use tools. I can swing a hammer like fucking Thor, I own a torch and am certified by the FDNY to operate an air compressor. I work in a wood/metalshop. I haven't committed yet, perhaps there is hope for me yet.
Posted 7:13 PM by J.Ro           

An Apology To C.
After breaking up with a long term boyfriend a few years ago, I hit a major dry spell. I wore the brand of my ex for some time. Then one spring, I met a boy. It was pretty casual I thought. I lived across town in the middle of nothing, and being Boston, (trains stop at 12:30) I stayed at his house. Everything seemed casual, I wasn't sure where it was going, then there was the issue of summer. The end of school came, and I was to return home for the summer. We went out for what might be our last time before I left. We returned to his apartment slightly buzzed, but far from any kind of innebriation. Later that night I woke up. I raced across a long hallway and made it to the bathroom in just enough time for the first heaves of vomit to make it into the toilet, but not enough time to close the door or run the water to cover the noise. After doing that I realized that his 3 or 4 roommates were sitting in the next room. After emptying the contents of my stomach I snuck back into bed. C. was fast asleep and I was unable to wake him. In the morning, he left before I woke up. Feeling horribly embarrassed (yeah me? I do get shy sometimes,) I wound up leaving town without speaking to him again. After having one of the worst summers of my life, which I won't detail here, I took a semester off of school. 6 months later when I returned to Boston, I didn't know how to get a hold of him, nor did I feel comfortable popping right back in. I saw him once on the street much later, it was an akward moment, and I couldn't talk. I suck, I know.
Posted 9:18 PM by J.Ro           

I stole this from Mysteryfood.

walshrockemstockem Magic Number 16 Job Leader of the Free World Personality Procrastinator (If The Apathy Doesn't Kill Me) Temperament Check My Pulse Sexual Whatever, Whenever, Whoever Likely To Win A Duel With Pistols Me - In A Word Evil Colour Brought to you by MemeJack

Posted 11:39 PM by J.Ro           

Cat is back. Getting better, but not up to speed. He even seems to like me a bit now. Considering I haved now saved his life twice, that's not too bad. All the way home everyone wanted to look at the kitty in the box. They tried in vain to get him to aknowledge them. My cat is full of more hatred and indifference than even me, that's what I like about him.
Posted 8:19 PM by J.Ro           

All the mean things I have said about my cat I take back. I went to the animal hospital today to visit him. He is not happy. Lots of tubes and such, one of those things around his head so he can't do anything, and only semi-concious. Sad kitty.
Posted 3:13 PM by J.Ro           

I have a cat. His name is Stinky McTrashy.com. I found him on the street 4 years ago. He was just weened and his mother had abandoned him. I took him home in a cardboard box. He proceeded to "make stinky" all over the box. He hates me, maybe that's harsh. He doesn't care about you, me or anyone except for BlahBlahBlah, the other cat, who he likes to rape, she likes it, being the Anna Nicole Smith of the cat world, that she is. The evening before last he started to make some awful barking meows. He hid from me for a few hours, then he seemed better yesterday, then took a turn for the worse. I had to rush him to the hospital this evening. Some kind of kidney stone type situation, blocking his urine, common in males, but severe and an emergency. I had to drop almost $2,000 on this ungrateful thing. Lucky he's a nice looking cat, cause his personality sucks. He is really beautiful now though. He is tall and long, all black, agile and slinky. He is what you imagine to be the black cat that crosses your path. This is the second time in his life that I have saved him, he still couldn't care less if I was alive or not. It is friday the 13th. Funny that way.
Posted 10:23 PM by J.Ro           

Highlights from the relationship that spawned that letter.
(This is not exaggerated at all.)
When we would fight, I would commonly have to ask him to buy a better dictionary.
The letters, he insisted on writing me all these letters. I have saved them all, but only for a good chuckle now and then.
The letters were sometimes undecipherable, due to the aforementioned bad grammar and obscene spelling errors.
The letters contained poetry.
The poetry and letters were sometimes written in "calligraphy." Well, if you had the grammar and vocabulary of Corky, what you would call "Fancy Letters."
He had this game he would play when he wanted to eat all the food off my plate, where he would point at something behind me and look really surprised. Knowing that I was really hungry and just preferred to chew my food before swallowing.

Not that I am bitter or anything. It's just like looking at old pictures of yourself in outfits that you wouldn't wear now, you breathe a sigh of relief that you have grown beyond them. I do miss the dog. I realize that dogs' personalities will mirror owners', but in certain cases, both exhibit behavior that is only acceptable in something that is at the end of a leash, knows when to heel and waits for you to shit. Sometimes, I wish I could claim like UD, that I am in contact and friends with all of my exes, but that is not true. I don't feel the need to be in some cases. I don't think that proves anything except that maybe I doubt my past decisions. I realize why I was with them, but now we are not. Not to say I hate all my exes, far from that, and I am friends still with many. The exes that I am friends with, usually hold me in the highest regard. The ones I am not, it is usually because I discovered that the person that they were, was not the person they presented themselves to be. I am not anti-sentiment, I am anti-stupid fucking jerk, and even Hotmail accounts have a fucking spellcheck on them. If it took a year to write this letter, maybe you should have made it somewhat legible. I think this is enough of this anyway, let's just make fun of him.
Posted 7:12 PM by J.Ro           

I don't know where Barkley Square is.
I am not sure what a night an gale is.
I am having problems with the comment thing. Please comment when it is possible.
Posted 1:47 AM by J.Ro           

This is an unedited letter I recieved via e-mail from an obviously moronic ex-boyfriend. Helmut is a dog. At first I was confused about that last part, apparently it is a song. I am not sure if I was supposed to recognize it, or maybe think it was a beautiful poem. I haven't responded. Any suggestions?

Dear Jessie,
     I know it's been at least a year since you sent me an email asking me how Helmut was doing and that you didn't give a shit how i was. It's taken me a long time to be able to write to you for many reasons. Reasons you probable don't want to here about. i can tell you he is fantastic and he misses you very much. i know this because i just asked him and he told me he did very much. When i asked him if he missed you his tail and head simultaneously started shacking like crazy. If you want i will send you a picture of him. i hope you are happy and doing well.
     That certain light that night we met, there was magic abroad in the air. There were angels dining at the Ritz and a night an gale sang in Barkley Square. i may be right, i may be wrong but i'm perfectly willing to swear that when you turned to me and smiled at me a night an gale sang in Barkley Square.
     No matter how much you dislike me or hate me i still think of you often.
     i Remember.
Love keith

Posted 11:27 PM by J.Ro           

I admit it, it is me that has been sending you those cards. Now that you have discovered it, it is all ruined. You have ruined everything...again.
     Thank you everyone for all your good wishes. If I was mean to anyone, it was because I was drunk. I am sorry. If you were mean to me, or disapointed me in any way. I most likely forgive you. I will now be ammending the last post to reflect UD.
     This is my favorite birthday message. I got it from FS, one of my favorite people. It is not just because he always makes me laugh, but also because his birthday is April 2nd, and which is the funniest April Fool's Day joke I have ever heard:

Jessie-  I'm sorry this message is coming late. Happy Birthday!!!!  I hope its awesome, cause your awesome, and one day I think you should consider taking over the world. You could do it, you know you could, its just your good nature holding you back.  Well, when you do, and you need someone to run the ministry of Propaganda, well give me a call, baby.  I make propaganda sound kind like a hallmark card.
     Anyways to recap, Happy birthday, you're awesome, and get off that hot ass of yours and start ruling the world like you're supposed to.  I'll see you on friday at your party, if not before. --Frank

My birthday gift to myself was to sleep all day. It was going to be a new pair of shoes, but last night I changed shoes every hour or so, because of inclement weather and heels, so I decided against it.
     Props out to Liz and John. I will detail Liz's awesome card later. Their anniversary was also my birthday. I took a cute picture of them, with my new Izone camera. I know I am lame and should have a cool digital camera in a phone implanted in my wrist that reads my mind, but my camera has a radio on it, so it is cool. I am not allowed to invest in portable technology until it is made indestructible, aka kids version. Take my phone for example. The first time I dropped my phone in the toilet, I had peed in it, so I believed it was dirty and needed to be washed off, so I ran it under water for a minute. There is a less retarded reason,involving the acid in urine destroying the circuits, but it doesn't make me look like less of a moron. The phone didn't work after that. The second time I dropped it in the toilet I did the right thing, and there was no urine in it, so it worked after that. Frequently after ending a conversation I react as if my phone has gotten inexplicably hot and it will leave my hands and fly across the room. The long list of emergency room visits and bodily injuries has been detailed in previous posts. I am not sure why I am allowed to use heavy machinery, but when I have made something I will then throw it on the floor to test the integrity of the structure, I believe this is important for everything. If I drop it and it breaks, I should not own it.
Posted 6:16 PM by J.Ro           

I seem to have given someone or perhaps some people the wrong impression to some people. I do not hate boys. Contrary to what I may say sometimes, I do not believe that I am cursed, oh I am definitly gifted. I am also imbued with the knowledge of the gods. I am like the Pope, well, if the Pope were really really hot, swung a hammer like Thor, and liked to do tequilla shots. As this is my birthday, I will share some of my knowledge with you.
Arts School Confidential by Daniel Clowes (see Ghostworld) is slated to be made into a movie. Go see it. I know that people wish they could create great works of brilliance and beauty, most do not. Some suffer through 4 years and mountains of debt before discovering this. I am not sure which side I fall on, but if you would like to know what art school was like, see this movie, read this comic.
You are not the first person to think about shellacking something that is dead. It is not an original idea, it is also not archival. I will not go into the science of this here and now, but just because you put on 4 coats of whatever acrylic based garbage you bought at the art supply store, does not stop the decaying process of that flattened rat you found on your way home from the bar, and you probably shouldn't be touching it anyway.
Most people do not want to hear a poem you wrote.
Although, "If you can't make it good, make it big. If you can't make it big, make it red, because anything big and red is good." sounds good, it is not true. It is not true for paintings, it is not good for ceramic furry plaster vaginas that you can climb in, it is not good for photography, even if you cross process, nobody wants to see a red blurry photo of your armpit or whatever, even if you made it into a really big C-print and it is definitly not good for performance art.
You don't have to take your clothes off to make good art. If you are really into taking them off, rethink it a few times before you actually do it. People probably don't want to see your series of nude self portraits with vegetables and pets that you have been painting with your menses. I know it's disgusting.
If it comes from inside you or has been there,it most likely should not be used as an artists medium.
Shock Art Mostly sucks, get over it.
You had no friends in school. You were alone, you were a loser, you are no less of a loser now, you are just in a room full of them.
"Action Jackson" is not just a movie with Vanity and Sharon Stone.
When I say nobody or no one here, I mean everyone except for Jeremy Universal Donor, and if this list somehow applies to you, please visit his site and contact him in all ways that you can,
He wants to see your blurry red C-prints of your armpits, especially if they are unshaven.
He wants to hear your poetry about trees.
He wants to see your "drawings."
He wants to see how that dead thing exploded, and will talk at length about the crisp smell.
He will be your friend.





Posted 8:43 PM by J.Ro           

Since I have just sent out my mass e-mail, please try and read through all my posts and comment. I have sucsessfully posted all of them. It would make my day.
Posted 6:22 PM by J.Ro           

June 2nd.
If there is anyone actually reading this, you were probably directed by Universal Donor Today is his birthday. To celebrate this, he is going to be spending the entire day in his birthday suit. He will be masturbating fanatically (picture OCD handwashing, but with his weener,) until either his hands cramp, or his genitals become raw, achey and sore. He will probably be doing the all New York Times crossword puzzles that he has piling up amoungst the trash and other detritus that constitutes what he likes to refer to as decoration. When he is done with the NYT puzzles, including the acrosstics, he will then open up the OED (Oxford English Dictionary, concise edition, for the uninitiated,) he will need the magnifying glass, claiming to be researching the hypothesis that excessive genital stimulation via phalangetic motion does not cause blindness. When all this is done, he will attend a screening of "Finding Nemo," with PapaUD and company. Then it will be my birthday. I have to work, they will have cupcakes or something. They will sing to me. I don't really like sweets, but I will smile and choke one down. Later, I will go out with perhaps R. and the Rockstar and whoever else we can drag into our adventure. Buy me a gift. Today is also Dave the bartender's birthday. Happy birthday. He would like to make sweet, sweet love to me. I am not accepting any gifts that involve hoo-hoos in my woo-woo.
Posted 2:29 AM by J.Ro           

I am completely incapable of sustaining a healthy realtionship that lasts over a week, although I do seem to find boys who want to try, or maybe they just want to get in my pants. Which leads to fun games that harken back to highschool, and not letting boys in your pants. All that aside, I had a date last week. Well actually I didn't.
I met a boy a little over two months ago. He gave me his number, we had a fun night of hanging out with my crazy friends from work. He told me he had a website with his art on it, and I should check it out. I did and well, let's just say it made me uncomfortable going out with him. I didn't like his work, it wasn't offensive in any moral sense, I just didn't like it. I decided it was best in this situation to blow him off. He called me a few days later, we played phone tag. I didn't return the call one day. This worked for a few weeks, until I got into the elevator at work one day and he was there. I couldn't contain myself and started laughing hysterically. He didn't recognize me at first. He was cuter then I remembered. I felt bad all of a sudden. To make a long story short, I kindly blew him off again. He called me again last week, I decided to go out with him. He has been asking me out for two months, he is nice, he is good looking. I was being stupid. I spoke to him, he asked when we would be getting together. Much to his surprise, I said it had to be that night or the next. I wasn't going to give up a weekend night for this, and I would be celebrating my birthday. The date was set, I would call him thursday after work. He cancelled.
Last year I went on a date that ended up in the emergency room.
I should probably start with my first date with this boy to be fair.
He and I had never really talked much, the details of how I knew him are complicated. We didn't exactly work together, but saw eachother at work. I saw him during the day he asked if I would like to hang out that night. A half hour before he met me for drinks, he said he didn't have any money. I was already ready and dressed, so I offered to buy him a few drinks. I should have said maybe next time. After a few drinks and some food, we decided to see of we could rent a car at 2am. We discovered that his credit cards did work on our trip. The next morning I woke up in a motel and he was in the next bed. The original plan was to drive to Atlantic City, but it changed to Philadelphia. Although it was a lot of fun, he turned out to not be that bright and didn't understand my humor at all. He told me stories of how his real dad died in jail of a cocaine overdose and his stepfather who was the kind of crazy white trash that I have only seen documentaries on. We sort of decided that we weren't meant to be. I said that if we were going to fool around, we should only do it at work, and he stared at me blankly. This went on for 24 hours.
"I don't know where this is going, and since we work together......"
"But I love you."
I was so on point funny during this whole time, and he didn't get one joke. It kind of sucked.
The only thing I wanted to see in the whole city was the Mutter Museum, he didn't seem to interested. I made him go anyway.
Somehow we had both expressed interest in seeing an upcoming concert. We didn't speak much for two weeks, but I felt obligated to ask him. I am not sure why he said yes, but he did. He still owed me money from our last outing.
We get to the show, it is sold out and packed. Somehow I had my hand near the bathroom doorway, and someone decided to kick it closed. I pull my hand away, and my fingernail is now hanging on my a small piece of flesh, and I am bleeding. I run back into the bathroom and calmly take care of it. The occupants of the bathroom revel him in stories of my level headedness in this time of crisis. I didn't want to go to the hospital because I really wanted to see the show. 15 minutes later, the pain is getting to me, and I am slowly going into shock. We cab it up to the emergency room. He makes dumb idle chatter with anyone we meet. He is starting to annoy the fuck out of me. He starts to complain about the really good show we're missing. He asks me if I have ever been clinically depressed, because it sounds as if my life has really sucked. I mention that this might not be the most appropriate topic of conversation at this point, being in the emergency room and all. I tell him he really doesn't have to stay here if he doesn't want to. He leaves with a "Call me tomorrow and tell me if everything went okay..." about the time they mentioned x-rays and stitches. They take me into one of those little cubicles with the curtain and give me a shot. I start crying from the pain, the doctor leaves, 15 minutes late when she comes back, I am still crying. She seems a little put off by this. I describe the intense pain I am in. She won't give me any good drugs now, because I AM ALONE.
I finally leave, and it is bitter cold outside, I take a cab to my friends bar and proceed to get completely hammered. I saw him at work, he never asked how it went, or about why my hand was bandaged for like a month. He called a few weeks later to ask me to another show, I declined.
Posted 3:00 PM by J.Ro           

I am sorry this has no comments. I don't know if anyone is actually reading this, but if you are out there, I am sorry. I need a nap.
The people at my work are kind of crazy. All conversations seem to revolve around dirty, dirty sex, bowel movements, or our hatred for our only manic, manic-depressive boss. Yesterday, I heard someone describe shitting off the side of a boat. Then we looked at pictures of overweight blow-up dolls. It is amazing we get any work done.
Posted 6:08 PM by J.Ro           

My suspicions were right. After I got out the lone passenger asked to stop at an ATM. The driver refused. Passenger explained the options, stop or you don't get paid. I guess the driver wasn't a gambling man. He lost his fare. All in all he did get a $9 tip.
Posted 7:27 PM by J.Ro           

I got my phone back. I left it in the cab. The cab driver returned it to my brother at work, but not before accusing me of running out on the cab, an unlikely situation if you read my last post. Luckily he took care of it, because I might have had to get all ninja and kick the motherfucker in the neck. Brother #1 gave him a $20 bill and told him to shut up. I have a bad feeling about the person who took the cab the rest of the way.
Posted 8:34 AM by J.Ro           

I am cold, it is late may and I am still freezing all the time. I spent the day doing nothing, mourning my phone. I need to go back to sleep, but this may be the first time I feel actually awake in the past 18 hours. My neck and back went all out of wack from lying around on the couch all day. I took my pill and am now feeling a little better. Unfortunatly this also makes me prone to sentiment. I am absolutely looking forward to waking up super early to go to work in the morning. My birthday is coming up. Start shopping!
Posted 1:49 AM by J.Ro           

I lost my phone
Last night, I had a mexican standoff outside my building at 5am. If someone is going home, why does this seem to be an ample opportunity to hit on them? Why ask where I am going, obviously I am going into this door. Finally when asked repeatedly to go away, and he did. I looked for my phone, as he stumbled off into the street, narrowly missing cars and other drunk pedestrians. I didn't find it but felt safe enough to run into the door and buzz while I used my keys.
I didn't fully realize that I had lost my phone until this afternoon when I tried calling it. Someone answered but no reception. I don't have another phone to call from at his moment, so I will have to wait until I am at work tomorrow.

Posted 5:40 PM by J.Ro           

I know I don't post much. I am shy that way. You would never know that if you knew me. I am a loud mouth bitch. It is late. I have work in the morning. I think I will post more when I think people are reading this and there are comments. Until then. I will be coy. But I think of you always. If you do read this, please e-mail me your address, I will mail you something, I promise.
Posted 12:17 AM by J.Ro           

Boys Suck. I won't go into my latest humanity has let me down story. I need a boy that isn't seeing anyone, or is willing to sever ties for me. In exchange I will provide sexual favors engaging conversation, witty humor and I will cook dinner. I am really HOT. No I mean, I have the Bam and the Pow. I seem to have a penchant for choosing the wrong boy. Even when they seem so right. I am the girl that you go out with when you first start seeing someone else, to make sure that you should go out with them. You like me, but already have ties and are just testing them.
Posted 8:01 PM by J.Ro           

The coughing continues. I hacked my way through another night, only managing some restless sleep thanks to Robotussin DM. It seems to have subsided for the last few hours thankfully. This incessent coughing just seems to add to my already confused demeanor. Last week I was laughed at for having dirty nails. This made me realize I always seem to have dirty nails. It isn't a lack of hygiene that is at fault for this, I like to bathe. At one point in my life, I even liked having pretty nails. Now I am prone to hurting myself. I have had my hands bandaged due to multiple injuries more times then I can count. It isn't some kind of ineptitude or lack of coordination on my part, just some kind of dumb luck.
Posted 8:49 PM by J.Ro           

So it seems I have developed allergies. That doesn't seem like such a big deal, right? But as I have been smoking since I stopped breast feeding, live in a filthy smog infested city, and was already going to develope black lung syndrome in a year or two anyway, this sucks. In elevators I start hacking away in that consumptive Charles Dicken's way, and all other passengers duck for cover like I've got the SARS. I am hopped up to the fucking gills right now on every kind of pill that says allergies on the box that has passed my way. Still coughing..... The best part is everyone is a goddamn doctor and shit, "Well, maybe if you stopped smoking..." "Coffee isn't good for that...." I think I am allergic to ugly morons.
Posted 10:10 AM by J.Ro